Every month or so we'll post a different Dovetail EAP Tip on this page. We want this information to be useful to you, so if you have any suggestions as to what you would like to see here, please send an email to evan@askdove.com.

CLICK HERE FOR DOVETAIL HOME PAGE

______________________________________________

You Two Break It Up

Most of our disagreements seem to be with people we know. Many of those disagreements are repetitive: we have the same fight again and again. One way to break out of this cycle is to find a way to focus on what you are feeling right now instead of using the old words we said before. Hint: "I feel you are being stupid," is not a statement of feeling: it's an insult. Feeling statements usually end with words like confused, satisfied, angry, relieved, frustrated, grateful, and disappointed.

When you hear a familiar fight starting and find yourself wanting to say the same thing you always say, try this: agree with something the other person said. Even if you can't agree with everything, you can at least validate their feelings. It is true they are upset with you and it may help to acknowledge that. For example:

They say: "You never clean up after yourself."

Instead of saying: "You're always complaining," talk about how you feel being confronted this way. For instance, "I feel hurt when you say I never do something. I understand that you're unhappy with me that I don't clean up as much as you want me to, but sometimes I do clean up. Please help me understand what I can do right now so you aren't unhappy with me."

The words "always" and "never" generally kill any chance of resolving a disagreement because they feel like an attack. Respond by talking about your feelings and asking what you can do to make things better right now.

If you're looking for assistance dealing with an unhappy relationship, or for help with any personal or professional problem, your Employee Assistance Program can help. The EAP is a benefit for employees and family members in the home. Please call Dovetail EAP at 888-275-3683 (888-ASK-DOVE) toll free to get help.